"A bore is someone who speaks when you want them to listen."   -  Ambrose Bierce


When your friend is sharing an important ( and possibly emotional) experience with
you, how do you respond?  Do you give them your undivided attention and reflect back
what you think they may be feelings and needing (empathy) or do you immediately share a similar
experience you've had or try to pep them up?(sympathy)

                                 Empathy versus Sympathy*

When we sympathize, we relate an aspect of someone’s story to ourselves, such
as when we say, “Oh I know just how you feel. Last week he did the same thing to me.”
(This is also called a Take-Away because you're taking the focus away from the speaker and putting it on yourself.)

Another example is, “It’s going to be okay. You’ll see I’ve been through this. Next week you’ll feel much better about it!”
(Here, we're trying to reassure the other person, rather than hearing how they feel about the situation.)
When we empathize, we reflect the Feelings and Needs of the other, saying something like”So you’re really
worried and want resolution soon?” or “Are you shocked and seeking clarity about why this happened?”

Both methods have their value, but in Nonviolent Communication, we prefer empathy because it helps people
connect more deeply to their own and other’s pain, and helps resolve issues with clarity and ease. Empathy is
a profound healing technique.

Be aware of when you’re giving someone sympathy rather than empathizing with them.

*From Peaceful Living by Mary Mackenzie, p. 93

Love,
 
David