This article written by Anne Walton touches the heart and conveys how the practice of Compassionate Communication can quickly diffuse anger:
THE POWER OF RECOGNIZING NEEDS
Dear Friends,
When I read this article today, I felt very excited because it showed
me the power of empathically recognizing another's needs.
I discovered this article at www.chooseconnection.com, where you can
find lots of good information about Compassionate Communication.
Happy reading,
David
That person has needs too? ~ how to transform our enemy images!
by Anne Walton, CNVC Certified Trainer
One of the great blessings we've had is sharing NVC at one of the homeless shelters in Santa Barbara. One of the residents, Ward, shared some of his experience with us.........."That first night I came to class, I could have sat in the class and been grumpy and irritated cause 'they're making me do this'. Then I realized I just might get something out of it." Ward came to sessions and participated actively.
That was many months ago, so it was fun to see Ward recently and hear how much he gained from the sessions. He said the thing that most impacted him was the idea that "the other person has needs".
He shared the following experience with us...........an 86 woman in his neighborhood needed some assistance and being a handyman, he offered to help. Imagine his surprise when, instead of receiving appreciation for his offer, the woman launched into a stream of jackals!
Ward says "I could feel my triggers coming up and knew I was in fight or flight mode and I'm not the 'flight' type." He could feel his teeth clenching and wondered to himself "Am I going to hit this 86 year old woman?"
He took a breath, then asked himself "what am I doing?" The thought that came was "this is a test!" Just pausing long enough to connect with himself in this way gave him the space to get to "I wonder what her needs are? I bet she's feeling scared and helpless & wanting support, understanding and help."
As soon as he had the wondering about her needs, he noticed that he felt sadness and compassion for her. As this shift was taking place in Ward, the woman shifted her behavior and thanked him for his offer of assistance. The woman's caregiver was astonished and asked Ward what he did to cause such a shift in the woman's behavior!
How profound it is to breathe, take a moment and remind ourselves that this person in front of us has needs as well. Imagine the kind of world we'd co-create if each of us practiced this only once a day
- Anne Walton
Dear Friends,
After I sent out my last newsletter, I received a few valuable responses from readers.
To review, the newsletter was an article written by Anne Walton about a homeless man
named Ward, who learned NVC and was able to apply his NVC skills in a highly charged
situation. The following is my correspondence with one person, which I think you may
find helpful in learning how to deal with your own anger:
Dear David,
"This is a nice one. I will try to do it (empathize with another person) the next time when someone is acting angry. The other problem is that I do not pause to think when I get angry. To put the brakes
on and then to analyze the other person's point of view will resolve most issues. Very true!
Thanks much."
***************************************************************************************************************************
My Response:
Thanks for your email dear friend. I agree that it can be very challenging "to put the brakes on"
when we get angry or when we're faced with an angry person. I'm still working on this myself -
with varied degrees of success, depending on my mood.
It's really something I have to "choose/want" to do and then over a period of time I've been
re-training myself to do it, i.e. to pause before I blurt out my anger.
The question I find helpful when I'm feeling triggered is -
"Do I want to be right (righteously angry) or do I want to connect?"
That is, do I want to create peace & harmony for myself and with the other person?
I find that it's easy to be angry, but it takes a lot of self-control and restraint to pause and think
about the other person's feelings and needs. This can be particularly difficult when my adrenalin
is running hot and heavy.
Often when I'm angry, I must give myself empathy before I can give it to the other person.
Self-Empathy means I must connect with my own feelings and needs and show compassion for myself. When a palpable shift occurs in my feelings, I'm then better able to tune into the feelings and needs of the other person.
Once I can to let the other person know that I want to understand where they're coming from (i.e., I'm guessing what their feelings & needs are), it changes the energy between us immediately. As the article about Ward says, even before we express this in words, it's felt by the other person and Voilà, "magically" it changes how they respond to us.
*************************************************************************************************************
"Thank you David.
We do need to have a shift in our feelings like you said, and then I guess retraining becomes easier.
I also jokingly thought to myself that though we blurt out anger to the people we love the most, at work, no matter how short-tempered we are, do not get angry at our boss. Of course, it is because we want to work there long term, etc., so we decide to let go of the disagreements. In personal life as well, if we value our close relationships, staying connected will be our goal and then the restraint on anger may come automatically.
*******************************************************************************************************************************
My Response:
I agree that we usually feel free to express anger to our loved ones - the ones we
love the most dearly and "should" be the nicest to, but often are not.
I think that while we may not express our anger to our boss directly (for good reasons),
we may still hold onto to that anger in the form of resentment and often complain (bitch)
to our friends, co-workers and spouses about him or her.
One of the most valuable things I've learned from Marshall Rosenberg is this:
"At the core of all anger is an unmet need."
With this thought in mind, I've often chosen to avoid expressing my anger directly
and to figure out what my Needs are. Then I can make a "Genuine Request" to my boss
or loved one - Just for the Need without having to directly express my anger.
This has worked out very well for me in maintaining a loving relationship with others,
especially with my wife, Sonya.
Asking for our Need will get to the Source of our anger and can quickly defuse it, even if the other person doesn't initially want to give us what we requested. We can always try further negotiations
using our CC skills or possibly get our Need met in some other way.
Here's to the Joy of Knowing about and Using Compassionate Communication in our life!!!
With Love,
David
THE POWER OF RECOGNIZING NEEDS
Dear Friends,
When I read this article today, I felt very excited because it showed
me the power of empathically recognizing another's needs.
I discovered this article at www.chooseconnection.com, where you can
find lots of good information about Compassionate Communication.
Happy reading,
David
That person has needs too? ~ how to transform our enemy images!
by Anne Walton, CNVC Certified Trainer
One of the great blessings we've had is sharing NVC at one of the homeless shelters in Santa Barbara. One of the residents, Ward, shared some of his experience with us.........."That first night I came to class, I could have sat in the class and been grumpy and irritated cause 'they're making me do this'. Then I realized I just might get something out of it." Ward came to sessions and participated actively.
That was many months ago, so it was fun to see Ward recently and hear how much he gained from the sessions. He said the thing that most impacted him was the idea that "the other person has needs".
He shared the following experience with us...........an 86 woman in his neighborhood needed some assistance and being a handyman, he offered to help. Imagine his surprise when, instead of receiving appreciation for his offer, the woman launched into a stream of jackals!
Ward says "I could feel my triggers coming up and knew I was in fight or flight mode and I'm not the 'flight' type." He could feel his teeth clenching and wondered to himself "Am I going to hit this 86 year old woman?"
He took a breath, then asked himself "what am I doing?" The thought that came was "this is a test!" Just pausing long enough to connect with himself in this way gave him the space to get to "I wonder what her needs are? I bet she's feeling scared and helpless & wanting support, understanding and help."
As soon as he had the wondering about her needs, he noticed that he felt sadness and compassion for her. As this shift was taking place in Ward, the woman shifted her behavior and thanked him for his offer of assistance. The woman's caregiver was astonished and asked Ward what he did to cause such a shift in the woman's behavior!
How profound it is to breathe, take a moment and remind ourselves that this person in front of us has needs as well. Imagine the kind of world we'd co-create if each of us practiced this only once a day
- Anne Walton
Dear Friends,
After I sent out my last newsletter, I received a few valuable responses from readers.
To review, the newsletter was an article written by Anne Walton about a homeless man
named Ward, who learned NVC and was able to apply his NVC skills in a highly charged
situation. The following is my correspondence with one person, which I think you may
find helpful in learning how to deal with your own anger:
Dear David,
"This is a nice one. I will try to do it (empathize with another person) the next time when someone is acting angry. The other problem is that I do not pause to think when I get angry. To put the brakes
on and then to analyze the other person's point of view will resolve most issues. Very true!
Thanks much."
***************************************************************************************************************************
My Response:
Thanks for your email dear friend. I agree that it can be very challenging "to put the brakes on"
when we get angry or when we're faced with an angry person. I'm still working on this myself -
with varied degrees of success, depending on my mood.
It's really something I have to "choose/want" to do and then over a period of time I've been
re-training myself to do it, i.e. to pause before I blurt out my anger.
The question I find helpful when I'm feeling triggered is -
"Do I want to be right (righteously angry) or do I want to connect?"
That is, do I want to create peace & harmony for myself and with the other person?
I find that it's easy to be angry, but it takes a lot of self-control and restraint to pause and think
about the other person's feelings and needs. This can be particularly difficult when my adrenalin
is running hot and heavy.
Often when I'm angry, I must give myself empathy before I can give it to the other person.
Self-Empathy means I must connect with my own feelings and needs and show compassion for myself. When a palpable shift occurs in my feelings, I'm then better able to tune into the feelings and needs of the other person.
Once I can to let the other person know that I want to understand where they're coming from (i.e., I'm guessing what their feelings & needs are), it changes the energy between us immediately. As the article about Ward says, even before we express this in words, it's felt by the other person and Voilà, "magically" it changes how they respond to us.
*************************************************************************************************************
"Thank you David.
We do need to have a shift in our feelings like you said, and then I guess retraining becomes easier.
I also jokingly thought to myself that though we blurt out anger to the people we love the most, at work, no matter how short-tempered we are, do not get angry at our boss. Of course, it is because we want to work there long term, etc., so we decide to let go of the disagreements. In personal life as well, if we value our close relationships, staying connected will be our goal and then the restraint on anger may come automatically.
*******************************************************************************************************************************
My Response:
I agree that we usually feel free to express anger to our loved ones - the ones we
love the most dearly and "should" be the nicest to, but often are not.
I think that while we may not express our anger to our boss directly (for good reasons),
we may still hold onto to that anger in the form of resentment and often complain (bitch)
to our friends, co-workers and spouses about him or her.
One of the most valuable things I've learned from Marshall Rosenberg is this:
"At the core of all anger is an unmet need."
With this thought in mind, I've often chosen to avoid expressing my anger directly
and to figure out what my Needs are. Then I can make a "Genuine Request" to my boss
or loved one - Just for the Need without having to directly express my anger.
This has worked out very well for me in maintaining a loving relationship with others,
especially with my wife, Sonya.
Asking for our Need will get to the Source of our anger and can quickly defuse it, even if the other person doesn't initially want to give us what we requested. We can always try further negotiations
using our CC skills or possibly get our Need met in some other way.
Here's to the Joy of Knowing about and Using Compassionate Communication in our life!!!
With Love,
David
