A POISON TREE by William Blake (1757 - 1827)
I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.
When I hear most people talk about good communication, the first thing they say is
"We have to express our feelings." Yes, I agree that it's important to express our feelings
and its' healthy for us - BUT - how we express our feelings will determine whether we
Connect with the other person or have an unpleasant interaction.
In my experience, when we're emotionally charged with so-called negative feelings,
it's nearly impossible not to convey blame and criticism. For example, "I feel angry when you don't pick up your dirty dishes" usually comes with a tone of blame. What happens when we feel blamed or criticized? We either retreat or more often attack back. The result - escalation and argument with no mutually satisfactory solution.
This is why Marshall Rosenberg strongly advocates that we "move quickly past our Feelings" to our Needs and Requests. By sharing what we Needs in a calm and respectful way, we have a greater chance of getting them met. Remember - in Compassionate Communication, Feelings are viewed as pointers - pointing us toward our met or unmet Needs and what we want to ask for.
What we focus on grows and if it's our anger, then we'll have a difficult time Connecting.
Example of how to make a Request: "When I see your dishes lying on the living room floor,
I feel angry because I Need your help keeping our house clean. Would you be willing to
pick up your dishes when you're done eating and put them in the dish washer?"
MAKING REQUESTS THE COMPASSIONATE WAY
We need to be aware that there are three kinds of Requests:
1) Requests for Clarity: "I want to be sure I was clear. Would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say? "
2) Requests for Connection: "How do you feel about what I just shared?" or "Are you feeling _____ because you need _____?"
3) Requests for Action: "Would you be willing to help me wash and dry the dishes now?"
2. If you don't make Requests, the listener has to guess what you want. This usually evokes anxiety and confusion in the
receiver and the sender will most likely NOT get her Need met. For example, a mother to her daughter - "We haven't spent much
time together lately." No clear request from the mother, so the daughter is left to guess what the mother wants.
3. When you make Requests, they should be clear, specific and do-able. Mother to daughter: "Would you like to go out to lunch
with me next Friday? It will be my treat."
4. Use Positive Language: Ask for what you DO want - not what you DON'T want.
Example: "Would you stop leaving your dirty dishes all around the house!" vs.
“Would you please bring your dishes to the sink when you’re done eating and wash them?”
5. Ask for what you want without demanding. Demanding - "Get in here right now young man and wash these dishes!!!"
6. Make Genuine Requests - not pretend requests: What is a Genuine Request?
A Genuine Request is one where the receiver can respond with either a “Yes” or “No”
and you will accept a "No" answer without getting upset or making demands.
7. If the receiver responds with a No, we view that as a gift in CC. You’re probably wondering
“How can a No to my request be a gift?” In this sense: The No allows you to probe deeper
to find out what the real Needs of the other person are and to then explore how both persons’
Needs can be met.
Note - Getting our Needs met is a Prescription for Happiness.
Exercise: Print out the attachment above. Then - write a clear, do-able request that isn't too difficult for you. If it would be helpful, you can include the first three components of CC: Observation, Feelings and Needs. Please note - in many cases, you will have to negotiate a Win-Win solution so both you and the other person get your Needs met.
After asking for what you want, note the response to your Request. What did you learn?
Now make two more Requests for the week.
"Ask and you shall receive; knock and the door will open."
Here's to creating a world where everyone's Needs get met!
David & Sonya ki
I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.
When I hear most people talk about good communication, the first thing they say is
"We have to express our feelings." Yes, I agree that it's important to express our feelings
and its' healthy for us - BUT - how we express our feelings will determine whether we
Connect with the other person or have an unpleasant interaction.
In my experience, when we're emotionally charged with so-called negative feelings,
it's nearly impossible not to convey blame and criticism. For example, "I feel angry when you don't pick up your dirty dishes" usually comes with a tone of blame. What happens when we feel blamed or criticized? We either retreat or more often attack back. The result - escalation and argument with no mutually satisfactory solution.
This is why Marshall Rosenberg strongly advocates that we "move quickly past our Feelings" to our Needs and Requests. By sharing what we Needs in a calm and respectful way, we have a greater chance of getting them met. Remember - in Compassionate Communication, Feelings are viewed as pointers - pointing us toward our met or unmet Needs and what we want to ask for.
What we focus on grows and if it's our anger, then we'll have a difficult time Connecting.
Example of how to make a Request: "When I see your dishes lying on the living room floor,
I feel angry because I Need your help keeping our house clean. Would you be willing to
pick up your dishes when you're done eating and put them in the dish washer?"
MAKING REQUESTS THE COMPASSIONATE WAY
We need to be aware that there are three kinds of Requests:
1) Requests for Clarity: "I want to be sure I was clear. Would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say? "
2) Requests for Connection: "How do you feel about what I just shared?" or "Are you feeling _____ because you need _____?"
3) Requests for Action: "Would you be willing to help me wash and dry the dishes now?"
2. If you don't make Requests, the listener has to guess what you want. This usually evokes anxiety and confusion in the
receiver and the sender will most likely NOT get her Need met. For example, a mother to her daughter - "We haven't spent much
time together lately." No clear request from the mother, so the daughter is left to guess what the mother wants.
3. When you make Requests, they should be clear, specific and do-able. Mother to daughter: "Would you like to go out to lunch
with me next Friday? It will be my treat."
4. Use Positive Language: Ask for what you DO want - not what you DON'T want.
Example: "Would you stop leaving your dirty dishes all around the house!" vs.
“Would you please bring your dishes to the sink when you’re done eating and wash them?”
5. Ask for what you want without demanding. Demanding - "Get in here right now young man and wash these dishes!!!"
6. Make Genuine Requests - not pretend requests: What is a Genuine Request?
A Genuine Request is one where the receiver can respond with either a “Yes” or “No”
and you will accept a "No" answer without getting upset or making demands.
7. If the receiver responds with a No, we view that as a gift in CC. You’re probably wondering
“How can a No to my request be a gift?” In this sense: The No allows you to probe deeper
to find out what the real Needs of the other person are and to then explore how both persons’
Needs can be met.
Note - Getting our Needs met is a Prescription for Happiness.
Exercise: Print out the attachment above. Then - write a clear, do-able request that isn't too difficult for you. If it would be helpful, you can include the first three components of CC: Observation, Feelings and Needs. Please note - in many cases, you will have to negotiate a Win-Win solution so both you and the other person get your Needs met.
After asking for what you want, note the response to your Request. What did you learn?
Now make two more Requests for the week.
"Ask and you shall receive; knock and the door will open."
Here's to creating a world where everyone's Needs get met!
David & Sonya ki
