Dear Friends,
This week we focus on the second step of Compassionate Communication (CC)- Feelings.
After you make a clear observation, your next step is to express your Feelings.
Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication, explains why it's important to be able to identify your Feelings: "By developing a vocabulary of feelings that allows us to clearly and specifically name our emotions, we can connect more easily with one another. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable by expressing our feelings can help resolve conflicts."
For example, "When you drive 90 miles an hour on the freeway, I feel really scared. I want to feel safe when I'm riding in the car with you. Would you be willing to slow down and drive no faster than the speed limit?"
A second reason why Feelings are important is because Feelings are helpful arrows that point to our Needs - the third component of Compassionate Communication. And a Consciousness of Needs is at the heart of Compassionate Communication. Thus, feelings of anxiety, fear, anger and frustration indicate that your Needs are not being met. And feelings of happiness, contentment and satisfaction tell you that your Needs are being met. Your feelings are therefore rooted in your Needs and helpful in revealing what Needs are being met or not met. If, for example, your Need for friendship is not met, you're likely to feel lonely and sad.
Please note that feelings are neither good nor bad. They're simply energy in motion running through us. We have pleasurable feelings like happiness, satisfaction and joy that tell us our Needs are being met; and we have painful feelings like sadness, upset and frustration that tell us our Needs aren't being met.
STEP 2: State the Feeling that the observation is triggering in you.*
Naming the emotion, without moral judgment, enables you to connect in a spirit of mutual respect and cooperation.
Perform this step with the aim of accurately identifying the feeling that you are experiencing in that moment. For example, "The show starts in half an hour and you’re still in the shower. I'm feeling anxious that we will miss the beginning of it." vs, "You're so inconsiderate & irresponsible. You're never ready on time and we always miss the beginning of our show!"
Or, "I see your dog running around without a leash and barking (observation). I'm scared."
Note that feelings are never caused by other people, so phrases like "You made me feel ____", "I feel ____ because you did ____," and especially, "You're making me angry" are not used in Compassionate Communication.
These statements put responsibility for your feelings on the other person, and they skip identifying the need that is the true cause of your feeling. An alternative is to use this CC template: "When I see, hear ____, I feel ____ because I need ____."
If you believe that it would be best to omit expressing your feelings because it might evoke defensiveness in the receiver, than you can focus on your Needs and your Request - the third and fourth components of Compassionate Communication. You don't want to get stuck talking about your Feelings and miss getting your Needs met.
Exercise: Fully express to at least one person each day for the next 7 days how you feel. Use the sentence stem. "Right now I'm feeling . . . . "
Note: Be sure you're expressing a feeling (aka as an emotion) and not a thought or opinion.
* Adapted from an article on www.wikihow.com: "How to Practice Nonviolent Communication." Edited by Ben Kovitz
This week we focus on the second step of Compassionate Communication (CC)- Feelings.
After you make a clear observation, your next step is to express your Feelings.
Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication, explains why it's important to be able to identify your Feelings: "By developing a vocabulary of feelings that allows us to clearly and specifically name our emotions, we can connect more easily with one another. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable by expressing our feelings can help resolve conflicts."
For example, "When you drive 90 miles an hour on the freeway, I feel really scared. I want to feel safe when I'm riding in the car with you. Would you be willing to slow down and drive no faster than the speed limit?"
A second reason why Feelings are important is because Feelings are helpful arrows that point to our Needs - the third component of Compassionate Communication. And a Consciousness of Needs is at the heart of Compassionate Communication. Thus, feelings of anxiety, fear, anger and frustration indicate that your Needs are not being met. And feelings of happiness, contentment and satisfaction tell you that your Needs are being met. Your feelings are therefore rooted in your Needs and helpful in revealing what Needs are being met or not met. If, for example, your Need for friendship is not met, you're likely to feel lonely and sad.
Please note that feelings are neither good nor bad. They're simply energy in motion running through us. We have pleasurable feelings like happiness, satisfaction and joy that tell us our Needs are being met; and we have painful feelings like sadness, upset and frustration that tell us our Needs aren't being met.
STEP 2: State the Feeling that the observation is triggering in you.*
Naming the emotion, without moral judgment, enables you to connect in a spirit of mutual respect and cooperation.
Perform this step with the aim of accurately identifying the feeling that you are experiencing in that moment. For example, "The show starts in half an hour and you’re still in the shower. I'm feeling anxious that we will miss the beginning of it." vs, "You're so inconsiderate & irresponsible. You're never ready on time and we always miss the beginning of our show!"
Or, "I see your dog running around without a leash and barking (observation). I'm scared."
Note that feelings are never caused by other people, so phrases like "You made me feel ____", "I feel ____ because you did ____," and especially, "You're making me angry" are not used in Compassionate Communication.
These statements put responsibility for your feelings on the other person, and they skip identifying the need that is the true cause of your feeling. An alternative is to use this CC template: "When I see, hear ____, I feel ____ because I need ____."
If you believe that it would be best to omit expressing your feelings because it might evoke defensiveness in the receiver, than you can focus on your Needs and your Request - the third and fourth components of Compassionate Communication. You don't want to get stuck talking about your Feelings and miss getting your Needs met.
Exercise: Fully express to at least one person each day for the next 7 days how you feel. Use the sentence stem. "Right now I'm feeling . . . . "
Note: Be sure you're expressing a feeling (aka as an emotion) and not a thought or opinion.
* Adapted from an article on www.wikihow.com: "How to Practice Nonviolent Communication." Edited by Ben Kovitz
